Remember Part 2.

Here is another one I have re posted for you all to enjoy. I do have to comment though, that re reading all my old post's kinda has me wondering, why did you guys not tell me what absolute drivel I was capable of?!

Did you ever have one of those days where you stop and wonder, what the hell am I doing?
I don't mean just in relation to any one small thing, I mean in relation to all things. Your whole life. Each and every decision that brought you to this point in time.
Someone once said that 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step'. This is true. But do you ever have moments where you look at that thousand miles and think, its just too hard and too far?
Long ago I gave myself the role of eternal optimist. I promised to try as hard as I could to always find the small things that matter in every situation, to always try to see the bright side, to always seek happiness. I truly believe with all my heart that you have to find happiness, that you cannot sit idly and wait for it to drop in your lap, because it wont. Happiness is hard. It takes work. Optimism is a full time job, especially in today's world of seemingly overwhelming negativity. Sometimes the weight of that decision made long ago, is too much for me. Like today.
Today is one of those horrible days where it feels like you are watching yourself from the outside in, everything feels surreal, you are smiling and doing all the right things but it feels wrong. It feels fake, forced, contrived. I hate feeling like that more than anything. Every bad decision I ever made weighs on me today. I see clearly all the mistakes I have made and feel like I cant do anything right. I look at my beautiful children, gifts from the universe, my wonderful family, amazing friends, great job, and think to myself I don't deserve any of this.
I hear the little voice of the eternal optimist telling me I am being stupid, that I am a perfect child of the universe, I do deserve all of this unconditional love and friendship, because I am a good and loving and generous person who would lay down her life for those she loves, and risk that same life for a perfect stranger, but it all feels...wrong. Because a very large, very loud part of me wants to just walk away, find a quiet place to lie down and give up.
I get angry at those who have chosen what seems to me to be the easier path of negativity and sometimes sheer nastiness. Lets face it folks, never expecting anything good to happen is so much easier than trying not to be disappointed when it doesn't. It is easier to be rude than polite, it certainly only requires a much smaller and easier vocabulary. Believing in nothing is easy. It is easier to give up on the world than to fight for it. It is easier to throw your hands up and shrug and say what can I do about it. Why should I fight to be optimistic when these people simply cannot be bothered?
In writing this I have once again come to the conclusion I always come to on days like today...because I will not be one of them. Because I want something better. Because I want my children to learn the importance of choosing happiness. Because I do believe a smile can change a complete strangers day for the better. Because I so desperately want to believe that magic happens. Because I know that tomorrow is a whole new day full of potential and endless possibility and it is up to me to make it happen. Because I know that days like today, feelings like this, go away.
(For those of you who would worry about my mental health, please don't, I am fine) But always remember this folks. 'Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup...'
Guri Swami Rubber Duckie signing out!